On Change

People have been really frustrating to me lately.

Which is to say I've been really frustrated with myself. lol

I think what I'm experiencing is a phenomenon that happens when you raise an autistic kid with a lot of energy and you must teach them how to regulate their nervous system....and then you interact with adults at work or school or at the bar who are in need of nervous system regulation, but they can't recognize it let alone do anything about it.

So many of today's adults were never taught regulation skills as children. I think it's safe to say it's showing.

We have black and white thinking everywhere you look.

There is so much insecurity masked as bravado, charisma, narcissism, people pleasing, nationalism, aloofness, etc.

Reactivity and lack of curiosity abound.

Loneliness is on the rise, connection feels difficult.

This is not me looking down my nose.

That's how my parents would view it. But hearing something true sometimes hurts. Maybe it's a good pain, pain can change you.

I was certainly hurt when a friend got me alone and told me they could see I wasn't being true to myself, that my fears were holding me in a prison, that I could be myself and still be loved. They also told me that it was difficult being my friend, because they never knew if I was being authentic, if I was holding my honest emotions at bay. It hurt because it was true, and it touched something deep inside me that needed to be seen. They hugged me tight. Their words were the provocation I needed to dedicate myself to change.

Back to my anecdote, I've been re-parenting the sensitive/traumatized/autistic kid inside me. All those are in slashes because they manifest similarly in my case. I need to move my body in rhythmic patterns throughout the day to release tension. I struggle to feel comfortable in social situations. I need time alone after social events or going outside/to work because my energy is so low I'm essentially just dissociating or very overstimulated and angry/on edge. I tend to be quite silly, playful, funny when I'm regulated and energized. I struggle with feeling safe and free from watchful judgmental eyes.

There's scientific overlap between trauma and autism if you're interested in reading more. This article talks about their similarities and differences: here.

All of these patterns described are things I've had to learn through trial and error on my own part. My parents were not kind and understanding, which means my inclination is to not be kind and understanding toward myself. I get frustrated and angry towards myself when I struggle to communicate, struggle to engage socially, struggle to take a pause instead of reacting, struggle with overthinking. I've been working on my wounds for years and it feels like I should have this shit figured out. I'm trying to undo a lifetime of formative learning and expecting it to be done already.

My therapist has been an incredible help, and autistic friends have shown me the beauty of collective unmasking. Which really translates to: feeling free to be your oddest self and loving it even if others don't get it AND feeling free to take care of your body's needs through movement, expression, space while pushing yourself to do things that are uncomfortable but good for you. It helps to be surrounded by people who can treat me with kindness when I am struggling to do it myself.

It is abundantly clear to me that what society needs is less rigidity, less shame, more acceptance, more care, more introspection.

If I can't do that for myself, how am I supposed to show up for others with patience and grace? It starts here.